Happy Mom’s Day to My Bride of 53 Wonderful Years!

Rather than spend too much time on a blog post that has less meaning, at least to me, I’m using this time to celebrate one of the greatest mom’s on planet Earth, or anywhere else for that matter!

I love you, Annie. Happy Mother’s Day!

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What’s Your Story (About)?

Genie and tubaWhat’s your book about? While that seems like an easy question, many authors have trouble coming up with a quick answer. What too often comes out is something like: “It’s about this guy who finds a magic tuba while digging through his great uncle’s attic. Of course, he doesn’t know it’s magic, so he’s not prepared when he blows on it and a genie comes out. The trouble is, it’s not a very nice genie. It’s been trapped in the tuba for ages, and now it’s out for revenge. Meanwhile, the guy’s mom is trying to get back home after escaping from prison for a crime she says she didn’t commit. The problem is, everyone thinks she’s a pathological liar, but that’s okay because….”

Is the book about a magic tuba? Or is it about the genie? Or maybe it’s about the poor shlub who finds them. Or his mother. Or maybe it’s about how the evil genie tries to seduce the girl next door. So maybe it’s a coming-of-age story. For the genie. Or maybe the girl next door. Who the hell knows? As the writer, you should certainly know. Alas, it simply ain’t so for way too many, and I’m not just talking about novices.

It used to be that only bad writers with money to burn would self-publish. Back then there was no “traditional” route to publication; there was only “the” route. Anyone wanting to see their stuff in print had to deal with agents or wrangle an appointment to chat with an editor at a writer’s conference or fan convention. Back then–and today for anyone still trying to sell a book to a Big Five (maybe Four by  now) subsidiary–the missing link was the “elevator pitch.” This amounted to a 30-second summary of the book packaged in such a way as to grab the attention of an editor or agent when trapped in an elevator at one of the aforementioned gatherings. Millions of such pitches have been cast in hotel bars too, among other places.

Self-publishing has changed a lot of that, but there’s still a need for a pitch, even if you’re not trying to get a deal with a big publisher. [Don’t look at me like that. Just lemme explain.] Your elevator pitch might just make a dandy back cover blurb, and a well-executed book blurb is essential to a profitable sales campaign. It’s nearly as important as a great front cover.

If writing one seems like a daunting task, try using this formula for starters. You can revise it to suit your needs later, but for now, this should get you going. Just fill in the {blanks} as best you can.

When {identity} {character name} {does something}, {there’s a consequence}. Now, with {time limit/restrictions}, {character} must {do something heroic} to {reach a goal} or {lose something meaningful}.

So, f’rinstance:

When rookie FBI agent Filbert Feeney finds an ancient book of spells, he uses one to catch the top criminals on the agency’s Most Wanted List. But there’s a price to be paid for using the magic, and it will cost him his life–and his soul–unless he finds a way to reverse the spell without letting the criminals get away.

Here’s one based on the Leonardo DiCaprio film, “The Revenant,” released in 2015: When legendary frontiersman Hugh Glass is injured in a brutal bear attack while exploring an uncharted wilderness in 1823, he is left for dead by his best friend. Now, grief-stricken and fueled by vengeance against the confidant who abandoned him, Glass must survive the winter terrain to return home to his family.

Will it work for every story? Probably not. But it will help you shape your thinking about what needs to go in a blurb. More importantly, it might give potential customers a solid reason for buying your book.

Can't winYour blurb, in various formats, will be needed to flesh out ads and other promotional material. And yes, you might even need to use it in an elevator when you meet some movie mogul on the lookout for a new blockbuster.

A good book blurb is the next essential piece of your book marketing campaign. You won’t go far without it. In fact, if you lack a good blurb, your book and all the hard work you put into it, won’t go anywhere.

Until next time!

–Josh

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Back to the salt mine–a decade later

 [Note to readers: The post below first appeared ten years ago, when I hadn’t been blogging for very long. It’s interesting how little things have changed! Oh, and the book mentioned at the end? It’s now the first in a four-book series. The title is A Little Primitive. You can grab your copy here. Don’t be put off by the lack of reviews, Amazon lost them a while back when I updated the story in a second edition. (I fixed a couple spelling errors.) Go figure.]

Oh yeah! It’s that time again. My spring classes are complete. No more preparation required. All the associated note-writing, web surfing, and lesson shaping have been wrapped up and tucked away for the next term. Now it’s time to jump back into the old work-in-progress.

But–

[Caution: whine mode enabled]

Do not annoy the writer

damn! I didn’t think it’d be so hard. To be completely honest, I’ve grown comfortable with various avoidance schemes. In addition to those that never fail — letting the dog out, feeding him, playing mindless, time-sucking online games, watching TV, reading the morning paper, eating, sleeping, etc. — I’ve come up with an array of others. I’ve unleashed my creative energy on utterly unproductive tasks.

Now, what I must retrain myself to do is buckle down and write witty dialog and clever plots involving fascinating characters and unusual settings. If possible, I need to tie in bits of extraordinary but virtually unknown historical facts. Heh, no problem. What could possibly slow me down? The formula is exquisitely simple: write, publish, bask in the glory.

Success routes

Sure. Is it possible I’ve let myself forget how messy the business of fiction writing can be? One has to ignore the dog, the dirty dishes, the lawn, the internet, and the endless variety of excuses that spring to life, fully adult and demanding my full and immediate attention.

Geez. (Gotta keep reminding myself that an excuse is just a lie that’s been gift-wrapped.)

Truth to tell, it’s way easier to talk about writing than it is to actually sit down and do it. That’s probably why I enjoy teaching so much — I get to pretend to be a writer while not actually nailing down a single syllable of marketable fiction.

And now that I’m *not* teaching, my safest, easiest, and most reliable excuse is gone.

Poof!

Just. Like. That.

[Whine mode off.]

big black dog

So, I’m going back to work now. I’ve got a story — make that another story — to work on. It’s about a two-foot-tall Native American Indian who thinks all of us “normal” people are giants. We don’t think about him because we don’t know he exists. Well, most of us don’t, anyway. So, there he is, walking his huge mongrel dog in the Cloud Peak Wilderness area inside Wyoming’s Bighorn National Forest when the unlikely pair encounter a man with a pick, a shovel, and a gun.

The big, black dog barks.

The guy with the gun doesn’t like big, black, barking dogs.

And so it begins….

–Josh

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Cover feedback, please!

I’ve managed to crank out a good bit over half of my new novel (#20). With roughly 35,000 words done, I figure it’s time to think about titles, subtitles, tag lines, and cover illos. Thus far, I have one concept cover that features my lead protagonist, a fiery redhead and formerly homeless Marine, who stumbles into wealth, worry, and woe.

But there’s a better-than-even chance she may also stumble into something wonderful. It all kinda depends….

Anyway, I have one basic cover concept thus far, and I’m trying to decide between two versions of the background. It may be hard to tell without having full-size mock-ups of both, but I’m putting them side-by-side in hopes you wonderful readers will look at them and tell me what you think. The ONLY difference between them is a slightly fuzzy background in the cover on the right. The difference is admittedly subtle, and that’s never been my strong suit. <sigh> You should be able to click on the image below to enlarge it.

A more important question: would this cover intrigue you enough to make you want to read the book?

I look forward to hearing from you!

–Josh

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Gods, gods, and more gods…. (Encore)

Here’s a selection from my Mysfits collection. If you like this one, you’ll most likely enjoy all the others, too! You can get a copy–right here–from Amazon. I’m pleased to reprint “Gods.”

Avery sat at his kitchen table, trying to ignore the Closet God pacing in front of the oven. He could see him clearly only in mid-turn which made the performance even more distracting.

“You’re not listening,” the Closet God said. “You know I hate that.”

Avery blinked. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

“Never mind. My shift’s up in a couple minutes, and the busybody will be back. She means well, but don’t close your mind to other viewpoints—like mine.”

“Uh, sure.” Avery glanced up at the Calorie Goddess taped to the wall next to the cookie jar. He could never keep their shifts straight. They’d all gotten along fine in the beginning, before Avery brought the cat home. How was he supposed to know they’d get upset about it? They were gods, after all, they could have warned him.

“Well?”

“Well, what?” Avery asked.

The two-dimensional god tapped his two-dimensional toe. “You tuned me out—again. Good luck finding clean shirts this week.”

“Give me a break, will ya?” Avery rubbed his temples. “I’m going to bed.”

“I won’t keep you,” the Closet God said. “Just promise you won’t agree to anything she suggests until you run it past me. Okay?”

“I suppose.”

“Good. Drat—time’s up. Gotta go.” The Closet God waddled out of the kitchen. Avery watched him round the corner to the bedroom.

“Is he finally gone?” the Safety Goddess asked as she slipped out from behind the refrigerator and pulled dust bunnies from the Scotch tape at her shoulders. “I thought the old blowhard would never leave.”

Avery rested his elbows on the table and cradled his face in his palms. “Don’t start, please?”

“If you ask me, I think he’s still upset there’s no yard to putter around in. Most of his tools wouldn’t even fit in that closet. If you really cared, you wouldn’t have moved into an apartment.”

Avery groaned.

The Safety Goddess extracted a wad of tissue from a pocket of her ancient, flowered housecoat, and blew her nose in it. “So, what’s your problem?”

You’re my problem!”

“Me?”

“All of you! I can’t get any work done; I can’t get any rest; I can’t entertain; I can’t even have a pet.”

“Ridiculous,” she said. “Get a fish.”

“I hate fish, that’s why I got a cat.”

“I didn’t have a problem with the cat. You’ll have to take that up with the Closet God.”

“But you were the one who said I had to lock it up at night. I didn’t know cats gave him the hives. He kept trying to bury it with my clothes. No wonder it ran away.”

The Safety Goddess crossed her arms and sighed. “Must we go through this again? You’ll make yourself sick dwelling on it.”

“I’m not dwelling on it. I’m mad about it!”

“Call it what you will.”

“Jail! That’s what I call it. I’m the prisoner—you’re the guards. You even work in shifts!”

“That’s only temporary,” said the Safety Goddess, “until you-know-who comes to his senses. Shouldn’t affect you at all.”

“No effect? Then how come the Phone God cuts my calls short and never takes messages? Why does the Television Goddess have to approve my choices? Who put the Fashion God in charge of my wardrobe?” He stared at her. “Don’t you see? I have no life. I can’t even leave the apartment for fear the Furnishing God will replace everything I own!”

The Safety Goddess put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’d say that after everything we’ve done for you.”

Avery snorted. “Name one thing you’ve done that I should be grateful for.”

“Oh, that’s easy—your car.”

“It hasn’t worked since I parked it!”

“Well, there you are, compliments of the Machine God. He saved your life. If you can’t drive, chances are you won’t be in any car wrecks.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Avery said.

The Safety Goddess frowned. “A little gratitude wouldn’t hurt, y’know.”

“I should be grateful you’ve made me a prisoner?”

“Now, that’s ridiculous,” she said. “We’re the ones who’re stuck here. You can leave whenever you like.”

“Like yesterday?”

“A rare exception.” The Safety Goddess shook her head slightly as she re‑rolled a curler and secured it directly above her forehead. “The elevator was scheduled to break down. If we had let you out, you might have been injured.”

“I could have taken the stairs.”

“Down, maybe. But would you have climbed up six flights when you returned? I don’t think so.”

“I can take care of myself!”

“Of course you can—if you’re willing to put up with mismatched socks, sorry nutrition, and a bedroom that’s only fit for pigs. I don’t know what they taught you in that college fraternity, but they certainly didn’t prepare you for the real world. You think you can manage on your own? Ha! If it weren’t for the Calorie Goddess, you’d be too big to squeeze through the door.”

Avery slammed his fist on the table. “I’ve had it!” He stomped to the bedroom and stopped in front of the closet. Gripping the handles of the double doors, he took a deep breath, then opened them. The Closet God sat on the hanger bar directly in front of him.

“What’s this, a surprise visit?” asked the diminutive deity.

Avery ignored him and reached for his suitcase on the top shelf. Pulling it free, he set off a small avalanche of empty boxes, seldom-used camping gear, and a few men’s magazines.

“Nice move,” said the Closet God as he surveyed the mess. He pointed at the magazines. “Don’t let her see those.”

Avery glared at him but said nothing. Instead, he opened his suitcase on the bed and began to fill it with clothing, books and memorabilia, everything but the photos. Those he’d leave right where they were—over the washing machine, on the toolbox, in the cupboard—wherever his mother had put them. He threw anything else that mattered to him into the suitcase; there would be no return visit.

“Where ya headed?” asked the Closet God, still perched on the clothes bar. “Y’know, you’d get more in there if you folded it neatly. Want some help?”

Avery jammed the suitcase shut with his knee and struggled to force the latch closed. The Safety Goddess watched from the doorway. “This isn’t really a good day to travel,” she said.

He responded with “Sure it is,” as the latch finally clicked. “I’m outta here!” He wrestled the suitcase to the floor, extended the pull-out handle and tilted it forward on built-in wheels. “Don’t wait up.”

“When will you be back?” the Closet God asked.

Avery ignored him. He turned the knob, but the door wouldn’t open.

“Well?” The Safety Goddess’s voice harbored a note of irritation.

“I dunno,” Avery said. “Maybe never.”

The door swung open. “It’s your choice,” the Safety Goddess said. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

Avery nodded and dragged his suitcase into the hall. The two gods leaned against opposite sides of the doorway watching him. One of the suitcase wheels had a bad bearing which caused it to squeal and pull to the side.

“I can fix that,” the Closet God said.

Avery let the suitcase veer into the wall. He pulled it along, ignoring the mark it scribed in the plaster as he hurried to reach the elevator.

“He’s always in such a rush,” the Safety Goddess said.

~*~

Avery flopped backward on the bed, his arms outspread. The last few days had been exhilarating, but demanding; he’d almost forgotten what life on his own was like. Though his escape suffered a rocky start, including a dispute with an over‑charging cabby who didn’t speak English, a lost bus ticket, and a decision to walk under a bridge loaded with pigeons, it had ended well.

Best of all, thanks to the intervention of an old fraternity brother, he’d even landed a job with the National Weather Service.

He smiled as he recalled how the gods had opposed his joining that fraternity. Sure, it cost a lot, but the contacts were worth it. Without them, he’d never have landed his new job.

~*~

Mail and supplies were dropped by parachute every other week into the string of Antarctic weather stations to which Avery had been assigned. He’d spent six weeks in training at the main base before boarding the cargo plane which took him to his outpost.

“Boy am I glad to see you,” said the bearded and bundled meteorologist Avery was replacing. “Six months out here is about all a man can stand.”

“I don’t know,” Avery said. “I’ve been looking forward to the peace and quiet.”

“You’ll get plenty of that.” The man extended a mittened hand. “Good luck,” he said, then climbed into the belly of the transport and closed the door.

Avery watched as the ski-equipped craft raced over the ice and became airborne. He turned and entered the building which would be his home for the next six months. After passing through a weather lock, he stamped the snow from his boots and hung his parka on a peg near the door.

The one-room building had a few creature comforts including a well-stocked bookshelf, a video collection, and most important of all, indoor plumbing. It also had a number of photographs taped to the walls. Avery swallowed hard as he gazed at the familiar faces.

“Surprise!” said a voice behind him. “You know, maybe we were wrong about your fraternity. If it weren’t for them, we’d never have found you.”

~End~

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My first, full-length audiobook is now available!

After trying–and failing–several times to narrate one of my own books, along comes Artificial Intelligence offering to do it for me. That lure was extremely hard to resist. Thus far I’ve worked with two different AI voice providers: KDP/Amazon and Bookbaby.

I finished working on the Amazon version of my Christmas book, and it’s available now on Audible as well as on my book listing page on Amazon. Just click here.

The popularity of audiobooks has grown immensely over the past few years, and those authors with the time and/or money to produce them have done well. Believe me when I note those two stumbling blocks–time and/or money.

Imagine spending weeks, if not months, recording and editing a full-length novel. A book you could read to yourself in a day could take twice as long to read out loud. Now imagine doing it flawlessly–no stuttering, no coughs, no yawns, no dog barks, no alarms, no street noise, no kids asking questions, no extraneous noise like your air conditioner or your neighbor’s weed-wacker interrupting you.

And while you’re busy recording and editing, you aren’t doing any new writing. The novel you’ve been working on sits, sad and lonely on a back burner while you labor on your audiobook. And may the good Lord help you if you develop a cold or have to deal with allergies that change your voice smack in the middle of the process.

Until the advent of AI voices, your only other option was to hire a professional with access to a studio. That can cost BIG bucks, and it also takes time. Maybe not as much time as doing it yourself, but your audiobook certainly won’t appear overnight.

AI voicing is a game-changer. It’s not perfect by any means, and you can tell when listening to an AI voice rendition of a book. Consider the following sentence of dialog:

“What did you think would happen?”

I can think of at least three ways this sentence could be read simply by shifting the emphasis to different words. And in each case, the emphasis changes the meaning. To wit:

What did you think would happen?

What did you think would happen?

What did you think would happen?

A human reader would have no trouble figuring out which option makes the most sense. AI hasn’t gotten there yet. Using italics, or some other means of designating it might help, but not all systems are set up to handle that. Yet.

We all know that technology has developed at an astonishingly fast pace. I feel sorry for those professionals who have already begun to feel the negative effects of AI in movies, especially in animation. Now it’s impacting recording artists as well. That said, I doubt AI voices will ever be able to equal the range, depth, and emotion a human being can offer. I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

I’d love to hear what you think. And hey, what better way is there to form an opinion than by buying and listening to A Season Gone to the Dogs?

Until next time,

–Josh

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Superlatives–another approach to memoir (Encore)

Anyone who’s taken a creative writing course has likely been assigned the task of relating their most embarrassing moment. For the non-writers, the opportunity probably occurred during an evening with friends or at a younger age, at a sleepover or maybe as part of a Awkward Easter narrowcampfire gathering. Back in the Stoned Age we called such confabs “bull sessions.” Quaint, no?

The thing is, for just about everyone who’s ever lived, figuring out which of your life’s embarrassing moments ranked as the “worst” (“most”?) could be damned tricky. I can recall a double handful of events that left me looking, feeling, or acting hopelessly stupid. Should I catalog them all? Maybe go for the Top Ten? Hm.

Embarrassment isn’t normally what most folks have in mind when discussing “superlatives.” But let’s include it anyway. Chances are, a number of related issues made those particular episodes especially embarrassing. Maybe if we take the time to examine them, we’ll find other material to include in our life story.

The same would certainly apply to many of the usual “superlatives”:

  • Happiest — This ought to be the category with the most entries, and choosing just one would be a terrible waste. Revel in the good times!
  • Saddest — If only this state occurred in reverse proportion to happiness, we’d all be better off. Alas, that usually isn’t the way the world works. Might as well cover the lows as well as the highs.Guy scared by UFO in the night
  • Strangest — Here’s a category that could take some memoirs straight off the rails, and unless your life reads like a mystery or an urban fantasy, you may not have much to work with here. But don’t dismiss the category too quickly. There’s likely some good stuff lurking just beneath the surface of your “easy” memories. Dig a little to find it.
  • Scariest — Although this might overlap the “Strange” category a bit, it’s worth thinking about. I’m guessing there were a multitude of frights in your life. There were in mine!
  • Proudest — C’mon, your memory bank ought to be chock-a-block full with this one –whether the pride is for yourself, your significant other, your kids, your organization, or that time you lost 20 pounds and kept it off!
  • Most confusing — Overcoming confusion about something immensely personal can have life-changing implications. It could be confusion over one’s ultimate goals, life direction, sexual orientation, or something else equally profound. These should never be the hard ones to define.

go wrongCertainly, there are other “superlatives” one might include. I suspect there are people running around loose for whom the list of “really stupid things I’ve done” would fill an entire volume.

I’m open to suggestions on other “superlatives” a good memoir ought to contain. If you’ve got some, pass ’em along in the comment section below.

–Josh

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What would Mato say? (Encore)

Manhattan splashI’m finishing up two things just now: 1) my first stab at my federal taxes, and 2) a double Manhattan.

I know I should be concentrating (at least) on item 1, but instead, I’m trying to imagine what might be going through the head of Mato, the title character in my Little Primitive books, a guy whose view of the world is filtered through a Stone Age prism.

Now, assuming we could get the idea of currency across to him, how might he react to th????????????????????????????????????????e idea of taxation? Not well, I’m thinking. Not well at all.

“You want to take my wealth? Why? Didn’t I earn it? Did I not build the traps, and clean the pelts, and carry them to the trading post? Did I not take my turn hunting food for the whole clan? Don’t my children deserve the things I can provide for them? Why must I take care of those I do not know, and those who have no knowledge of me, let alone love or interest?”

If Mato existed outside my imagination, he’d have no patience for anything that didn’t put survival first–his own, his family’s, and then his clan’s. Once those were assured he might consider other things. But I suspect he’d never get there. Mato, unlike so many Americans, would be too consumed with his own survival to worry about those too lazy to care for themselves.

Would he care about the sick, the aged, and the infirm? Of course, because he would know instinctively that his time could come, and he might have to survive on the largess of others. But he would expect that any such offerings would be made in repayment of past kindnesses rather than as gifts to someone who’d contributed nothing when he was able.

I suspect that if Mato had been standing at Tom Jefferson’s elbow when the latter was working on the Constitution, he would have approved. Wholeheartedly.

I’ll be back with something worthwhile after I’ve put the taxes to bed.

–Josh

PS: If you haven’t looked into the Fair Tax, I urge you to do so. It’s a good deal for everyone. And that, I feel sure, is why most of our elected officials don’t like it. There’s far less room to make special rules for special interests.

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An Odd Little Southern Tale (Encore)

This is the second time around for this tale. It’s a bit longer than most of the short stories I’ve presented here, but it’s an old fave, and I think it’s worth reposting. Please let me know what you think!

Olin loaded the remains of the small, brown bear in the back of his aging pickup truck.  Reflections from the blue lights on the Sheriff’s car gave the woods a look even more eerie than usual.

The Sheriff leaned against the back of Olin’s truck, careful to avoid both dirt from the vehicle and blood from the carcass. “We don’t need bears around here anyhow. This is farm country; bears belong up in the mountains.”

“I know,” Olin said. “And that’s where I would’ve taken this one when it healed and got a little bigger. Another few months maybe… Damn dogs!” He looked at the disemboweled animal, its glossy coat smeared with blood, and then he stared harder. “Aw, geez.”

Olin opened his pocketknife and probed briefly beneath the ravaged hide before producing a flattened lump of lead. “Shotgun slug, I’d guess. Since when do wild dogs need help?” He threw the slug to the ground. “Damn it, why do people do this? My animals don’t pose any threats; they don’t hurt anyone.”

“The folks I talk to disagree,” the Sheriff said. He pulled a brown envelope from his back pocket. “I’ve got a complaint here from one of your neighbors and a couple more from people down the road. They don’t like the idea of you havin’ a private zoo. They’re afraid their livestock will catch some disease, or maybe one of your wild animals will get loose.”

“It’s not a zoo,” Olin said. “It’s a shelter, a temporary preserve–”

“Doesn’t matter what you call it. Remember that big cat you had–damn leopard or something? Imagine what would’ve happened if that thing had gotten in someone’s hen house.”

“It was an ocelot,” said Olin. “And it would’ve remained in its cage until I found a zoo or someplace where it could be released. It was a problem, sure, but it was my problem, just like this bear. What kind of person would kill a defenseless animal and then leave it for the dogs? That’s scary as hell.”

The Sheriff squinted. “You’re the one folks around here are scared of. You’re the one with all the dangerous animals.”

“Are you saying my animals don’t deserve protection?”

The Sheriff waved the envelope. “The folks what made these complaints deserve protection, too. If you don’t build more cages and bigger, stronger fences to keep your wild animals from gettin’ loose, I’ll be back with my deputies to see there’s nothin’ left alive to harm anybody.” He slapped the envelope in Olin’s hand. “You got thirty days.”

~*~

Olin glanced at the referral. Though it would only take ten minutes to reach the address, he wasn’t convinced he’d make it. The needle of his gas gauge lived on empty. Everyone in the business knew he was so far in debt he’d take any job he could get, and the really odd calls were routinely routed to him.

When people got tired of their exotic pets–usually when the animals grew past the cuddly stage–the owners often became desperate to find someone who’d take them. Too many firms agreed only if they knew of a zoo ready to accept the animal. Short of that, they preferred to dispose of the creatures in the cheapest, most permanent way they could. Olin remained in a perpetual state of outrage over it.

He looked again at the referral: Daphne Stewart, Macon–not too far away. He wondered what kind of creature she had. A pot-bellied pig? An alligator? A mountain lion? He’d seen them all, and more.

Driving down the highway, he thought back to his days at Auburn University, where he’d studied to be a veterinarian. If only the scholarship money had lasted… He shared his father’s love of animals as well as his inability to manage cash. The animal removal business, and the preserve, had fared no better under him than it had before his father died.

Daphne Stewart, Daphne Stewart… He tried to visualize a woman he’d never met. Old South and old money. She could have anything or anybody she wanted. He shook his head as he turned onto the road leading to the Stewart estate.

He found it without difficulty. An iron gate barred the drive which wound away in the distance, the house invisible from the road. Olin pressed a call button on the gate.

Moments later he heard a woman’s voice. “Who is it?”

“Olin Ashbank,” he said. “Animal removal and pest control.”

“Come on up,” said the voice.

With a sharp click, the gate swung open. Olin returned to his truck and rumbled up the drive. When he reached the house, a woman stood in the driveway waiting for him. Short and heavyset, with a jaw to match, the middle-aged woman extended her hand. “I’m Daphne Stewart,” she said, looking him over. “You’re younger than I imagined, but you come highly recommended. What took you so long?”

“I ran into a little problem just–”

“Hah!  You think you’ve got problems. C’mon.” She reached for his arm and dragged him around to the far side of the huge, brick house. She pointed at the ground. “There.  See?”  She rested her hands on her ample hips.

Olin looked down. “Uhm. What, exactly, am I looking for?”

“Footprints, of course.” She walked to a spot a dozen feet away. “Here’s another.” She pointed to the west. “They lead off into the woods. My property stretches back that way for about a half-mile.”

Olin examined the soil but saw nothing obvious. “Maybe I’m not looking in the right spot.  What kind of footprint is it?”

“Dragon,” Daphne said. “Damn thing came out of the woods last night and tried to get me.”

Olin stifled a laugh, though she sounded serious. He wondered when her medication had run out. “Do you see it often?”

“No. It’s been years since I saw it last, but it doesn’t scare me–I promise you that. There’ve been Stewarts on this land since before Sherman came through, and by God, I won’t be the first one to leave!”

“Right,” said Olin. “Why don’t you go inside while I have a look around.” He got down on hands and knees to inspect the spots she’d pointed to. The grass was too thin to hold an impression. He rested his palm gently on the dark, red soil and moved it carefully, feeling for a print. The area was flat.

He walked to the back of the property and noticed how thick the old pines were. A few appeared to have been uprooted by recent storms, but their neighbors propped them up.  Wouldn’t be much of a dragon if it could weave through there, he thought.

Daphne called to him from her back porch. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Yes ma’am, thanks! I’ll be right there.” He wondered if she wore a tinfoil helmet at night to ward off the booga-booga rays of the alien invaders from the seventh planet.

When he reached the porch, she handed him a tall glass of iced tea. He took a long pull and smiled. “That’s excellent.”

She nodded. “Well, do you think you can catch it? If you’re not up to it, tell me now. I don’t have much time to find someone else. I need it done tonight.”

Olin kept his expression even. “I think I can handle it.”

“How? Trap it?”

He suppressed a grin. “I don’t have anything with me that’d be big enough. I’ll have to build something. It’s hard to figure trap size when you only have a footprint to go by. Custom work costs a lot more.”

“No problem. I want it contained, but not harmed, for any reason. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. I’d like an estimate before you begin.”

He beamed at the prospect. “No problem.”

~*~

Working with odd parts salvaged from a variety of projects, Olin threw together a trap large enough for a rhino, though hardly strong enough to hold a determined rodent. The important thing, he decided, was to make it look like it might work. Conventional wisdom suggested that one should humor the deranged, and Daphne Stewart’s delusions qualified her as someone who needed a great deal of humoring. He felt a little guilty taking her money but figured she had plenty. Besides, he had some endangered animals of his own which would greatly benefit.

He loaded the trap on his truck in sections and tossed in a box of assorted hardware to hold the pieces together. Daphne had insisted that he get something in place that night and gave him an advance to cover initial expenses.

Olin returned to the estate to assemble the trap. Daphne helped him locate the route the dragon would most likely use, then stood nearby watching him work.

“It looks awful flimsy,” she said.

He nodded as he bolted sections of extruded aluminum together. “I know, but these modern materials are incredibly strong.” Shielding the work from her view with his body, Olin bent one of the bars sideways so that he could drill a new bolt hole. “The only thing I’m not sure of is the proper bait.”

Daphne responded quickly. “You aren’t puttin’ me in there!”

“Gosh, no!” Olin laughed. “I just don’t know what dragons eat. Got any ideas?”

Her response was low and ominous. “It eats anything it sees as a threat. You’ve got to make it think I’m in there. You’re welcome to some of my work clothes. I’ve even got an old dress form to put them on. It wants me; you won’t need any other bait.” She paused. “You’ve worked with large animals before?”

“Plenty. Bears, wolves, hogs, even a couple big cats. But they don’t bother me as much as wild dogs do.”

She blinked. “Really?  Why?”

“Half the time you can’t tell if they’re wild or if they live with people but run with a pack at night. They’re smart, too; they can work together, like wolves.” He bolted the last section of the cage in place then stepped back to look at it. “I think this’ll do.”

Daphne’s expression was one of dubious concern. “I hope you’re right. That thing doesn’t look nearly big enough.”

“It’ll do fine, I’m sure.” He started packing his tools.

“I’ve fixed you a room for the night,” Daphne said.

Olin stopped, turned, and stared at her.

“Once you’ve captured it, I want you to be here to make sure it stays manageable.”

“Well, sure,” Olin said. “I just figured I’d drive back in the morning.”

“Nonsense. I insist.” She pointed to a window overlooking the trap. “That’s your room, right there. Next to mine.”

~*~

The four-poster bed reminded Olin of the house and its owner: old, and stout. He wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that Sherman had slept there, then decided the old General wasn’t tough enough to get past Daphne.

He lay balanced in the warm furrow between snooze button and pillow when he heard a yell from outside. “We got it!”

Olin dragged himself from the bed and stumbled to the window. The sun hadn’t made it over the trees yet; the sideyard remained in shadow. Olin couldn’t see anything clearly.

He yanked the window open and yelled, “I’ll be right down,” then tried to dress and walk at the same time, neither quite successfully. When he reached the side of the building, he spotted Daphne behind a tree. He looked past her at the cage and felt his blood pool in his boots.

The cage contained the biggest lizard he’d ever seen. It nearly filled the enclosure, forcing the walls to bow outward. Except for a blood-red mouth and tongue, it appeared entirely white–a monstrous, four-legged snake, covered in huge, bumpy scales like a layer of snowballs. A pair of leathery, white wings were folded close to the heavy, serpentine body.  Asleep, the monster didn’t appear terribly fierce.

Olin made a conscious effort to close his mouth. “It is a dragon!”

Daphne’s eyebrow dipped. “What’d you expect?”

“I, uh….”

“Are you sure that cage will hold?”

Olin looked at her without really seeing her. “Beats me.” He shook his head. “Every zoo on Earth is going to want that thing! Oh, my God–I’ve got to make some phone calls!”

He turned toward the house, but Daphne put a firm hand on his shoulder. “Hold on a minute. Who’re you going to call?”

“Are you kidding? Zoo Atlanta! No–San Diego. Or St. Louis. Hell, I don’t know! Who cares?”

“I do,” Daphne said. “I don’t think you should move it.”

“But, I thought you wanted to get rid of it.”

“Only temporarily.”

The beast shifted in the cage, and two bolts popped loose. “If I don’t do something quick, we won’t have to worry about it.” Olin pulled away and started toward the house. After a few steps, he stopped, turned, and watched Daphne jog into the woods. “Go figure,” he muttered.

The dragon shifted again and the soft aluminum shifted with it. Olin swallowed hard to get his heart back down his throat as the dragon stretched and shoved its head between the bars.

Olin tripped as he backpedaled. From the ground, looking over the toes of his boots, he watched as two huge, blood-red eyes blinked open and stared at him. The beast exhaled like a steam engine and lurched to its feet. The cage came apart as if the pieces were spring-loaded.

The dragon shook the wall of the cage from its neck and stretched again. Olin scrambled backward but only succeeded in getting the creature’s attention. As it ambled toward him, Olin got to his feet and raced for the house.

He rounded the corner of the porch and ducked inside, slamming the door behind him.  His knees shook so badly he could barely stand. When the trembling subsided, he sketched a rough design for a new cage, then phoned an order for supplies. He wanted carbon steel this time; aluminum was about as effective as paper-mâché.

Suddenly, it dawned on him that Daphne was still outside. Fearing the worst, he ran to one window after another, trying to spot the monster, praying that he would have time to warn Daphne before it caught up with her. With neither of them in sight, Olin resigned himself to going out in search of the woman.

After making sure the dragon wasn’t hanging around the driveway, Olin raced to his truck and climbed in. With luck, he’d be able to find a logging road or some other access to the woods. He didn’t relish the thought of sharing the area with a dragon. Still, he had to find Daphne. It wasn’t her fault he hadn’t believed her; he could have built a real cage.

He revved the engine and pulled the truck off the driveway onto the lawn. Concentrating on the wreckage of the first cage, he almost missed seeing Daphne when she ran into the basement. Even so, he only caught a glimpse of her, then shoved the truck into reverse and returned it to the driveway.

He re-entered the house through the front door and met a panting, sweaty Daphne standing in the hall at the top of the basement stairs. “Are you all right?” he asked. “The cage, it….”

Daphne eyed him balefully. “I thought it looked flimsy.”

Olin felt himself blush. “The next one will be better, I swear.”

Daphne moved slowly to a chair and slumped down into it. “I heard it coming through the woods as I was headed back. I got… Anyway, I was able to hide before it smelled me. I don’t think it has very good eyesight. It’s getting old.”

“What are you talking about?”

She dragged sweat-plastered hair from her forehead. “I know it well. It comes back every… Well, every once in a while.”

“And you’ve never reported it to anyone? That’s crazy!”

“Oh? And what would people call me if I tried to tell them a dragon was living in my backyard?”

Olin scratched his head. “But if you had photos or something, they’d have to believe you.”

“They’d probably think it was some of that crazy AI stuff. You know, artificial. And if they didn’t, then what? They’d probably try to kill it.”

“I doubt that,” Olin said. “It’s priceless.”

Daphne snorted. “Way more than you can imagine.” She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes. “I’m getting too old for this,” she said, then laughed. “The dragon shows up for a few days every thirty years or so. I don’t know why, exactly, but it does. It comes out at night, roams around, and then disappears during the day. It’s been showing up in our woods for generations, like a tradition. I don’t want it harmed; I only want it restrained temporarily.”

“But–”

“That’s the deal. Accept it, or leave.”

Olin agreed.

~*~

The driver who brought Olin’s supplies insisted on payment before he would unload. Daphne took care of it, and the materials were deposited on top of the remains of the first cage.

Daphne remained inside while Olin worked. This time he welded all the joints and used tubular COR-TEN steel. He concentrated on simplicity and brute strength. The trap was essentially the same as he’d built for bears and other large animals, only much bigger. The long summer day made it possible for him to finish just as it was turning dark.

Daphne helped him camouflage the enclosure; they baited it with more of her work clothes.

“Why do you suppose it comes after you?” Olin asked.

Daphne didn’t answer. Instead, she examined the locking mechanism. “How does this work?”

“You said you wanted it released, but I didn’t think you’d want to get too close to do it.  That gizmo works like a garage door opener; you can open the cage from inside the house.”

“Clever,” she said. “I like that.”

~*~

Daphne woke Olin the next morning by knocking on his door. When he answered, she presented him with a huge smile and breakfast on a tray. “Congratulations–you caught her again! And this time it looks like the cage will hold.”

“Her? How do you know it’s female?”

Daphne smiled. “Trust me; a woman can tell.”

Olin shrugged. It was hard to think with all the sausage, eggs, grits, and biscuits piled on the tray. The odor of so much southern cooking mellowed his usually more suspicious nature.

“I’ll be tied up again most of the day,” said Daphne. “But I’d like you to stay around here and keep an eye on our guest.” She slipped the cage opener into her pocket. “See you tonight.”

~*~

The dragon made a brief attempt to break free but gave up and went to sleep when the cage held. Olin spent the day watching the creature. He made sketches of it, concentrating on the head, legs, and wings. The more he studied it, the more fascinated he became. The day seemed to pass in a matter of moments. When Daphne called him, he was reluctant to leave.

“You want some dinner?” she asked. “I’ve been eating all day, so I’m not hungry, but I fixed something for you.” She held up a platter of fried chicken.

Olin laughed. “Were you expecting the Third Army?”

“I wanted to be sure there was enough.”

As Olin ate, he remembered the animals at home and told her about them. “I’ve got to feed ’em,” he said.

Daphne cleared the dishes. “No problem. Just come back when you’re done. I feel a lot safer with you in the house.”

The round trip took less than an hour. Olin parked his truck and walked around to the side of the house for a last look at the dragon. It was awake but immobile. The cage seemed cruelly small. He began to envision what it would take to build a comfortable habitat for the dragon, then realized he’d never have enough money to afford its construction. He walked back to the house, dejected.

Daphne met him at the door. “I was about to turn in,” she said. “Make sure the doors are locked before you go to bed.”

Olin nodded and Daphne waddled down the hall to her room. He sat at the kitchen table reviewing the sketches he’d done during the day. His mind wandered back to thoughts of a bigger cage. He might not be able to afford it, but Daphne could. He guessed she probably had more money than she could count.

He walked down the hallway and noticed the door to her room standing slightly open.  Peeking through, he saw Daphne standing near the window in a heavy bathrobe.

He cleared his throat and she turned, the cage door opener in her hand. Suddenly worried, Olin rushed to the window and looked out at the empty cage. “What’d you do that for?”

Daphne put the control on a nightstand and sat on her bed. Her shoulders slumped. “I can explain.”

Olin stared at her, speechless.

“It has to be free at night,” she said. “That’s when it lays its eggs. C’mon, follow me.”

Olin trailed behind as Daphne walked through the house, then downstairs to the basement. She stopped in a makeshift kitchen and untwisted the wire tie from a plastic trash bag. She held it open. The smell of sulfur was overpowering; Olin pulled away quickly, feeling sick to his stomach. “Bleah! What is that?”

“Eggshell. The dragon lays one egg each night. I collect it, cook it, and eat it. It takes nearly all day.”

“But, why?”

“‘Cause they’re so damn big!”

“No, I meant, why do you eat them at all?”

She exhaled wearily. “In every clutch of eggs the dragon lays, one has the power to restore youth. But I can’t tell which of the eggs is the one, so I have to eat them all. I’m not looking any younger, so I know I haven’t found it yet.”

Olin stared at her, tempted to shrug off her explanation as lunacy, just as he had when she tried to point out the dragon tracks in the yard. “If you can eat one of these eggs and live forever, why do you have to keep doing it?”

“Eating the one restores youth–it turns back the clock, but it doesn’t stop it.  I age normally. The dragon returns to the nest every thirty years or so. If I miss it, then I have to wait another thirty years and get older all the while. I can’t risk waiting that long.”

“Why tell me any of this? Why not just steal the eggs like you have before?”

“Modern living–I’m in terrible shape. I can’t run very far, or very fast. The dragon is getting older too, but she can still beat me. I’m afraid she’ll catch me. I need your help.”  She paused. “I’ll share it with you.”

Olin shrugged. “I’m only twenty-five; I’m exactly as old as I want to be.”

Daphne began to weep. “You’ve got to help me, please. I’ll pay you, any amount.”

“Cash?”

“Yes.”

“A million dollars?”

Daphne’s eyes grew large. “I couldn’t raise that much if I sold everything I own. I could manage a half million maybe, would that be enough? I’ll give you a down payment, tomorrow, as much as I can get from the bank.”

Olin entertained visions of high fences around his preserve and proper habitats for his animals. He smiled. “That’ll do.”

“Good. But I’m worried about something else. Even though the dragon isn’t terribly bright, it’s probably caught on to the trap by now. I doubt it’ll fall for it again.”

Olin nodded. “Maybe we need to change the bait.” He looked at the trash bag. “And I know just the thing.”

~*~

The next morning, Olin was up first. He took a deep breath, stepped to the window, and looked out. When he saw the dragon back in the cage he exhaled in relief. He pounded the wall between his room and Daphne’s. “Guess who’s back?” he yelled.

She met him in the hall. “Wonderful! Give me a minute to change, and we’ll go get the egg.”

We?

“Of course. I’m tired of doing this all by myself.”

They left through the basement and went straight to the woods. The trail wound between ancient pines and led to a secluded spot of high ground. “Here we are,” she said.

Olin saw nothing but the earth mound. “Here we are, what?”

“Can’t you see the nest? It’s right in front of you.”

Olin shook his head.

Daphne frowned momentarily, then brightened. “It’s probably ’cause you’ve never eaten any of the eggs. It must do something for your vision. Did I tell you I can see auras?”

Olin shook his head again, baffled.

“I can tell a lot about a person’s character by their aura,” she said. “They can be quite revealing. It’s why I was willing to let a complete stranger like you spend the night in my home. Your aura is blue. I knew you could be trusted.”

“I still can’t see the nest,” Olin said.

“Never mind. Just give me a boost.” Daphne approached the high ground and put her palms flat on the top, chest high. She raised one leg and waited until Olin stepped closer.  “Ready?”

“Sure.” Olin struggled to mask his skepticism. Daphne bounced experimentally on one leg, then cried, “Go!”

Olin grabbed a double handful of Daphne’s ample posterior and heaved her over the top. She sprawled on her stomach but sat up laughing. “You just saved me half an hour! Wait there.”

Olin watched as she took a few steps toward the center of the mound and disappeared. “Are you okay?”

“Sure,” she yelled back. “I’ll just be a minute.”

When she reappeared, walking toward him, she held a large, powder-blue egg close to her chest. She put it on the ground and slid over the edge. Olin caught her, and they headed back.

“This is the part I hate,” Daphne said. “We’ll be fine if the dragon’s sleeping. If not, she won’t be happy to see us.”

They discovered the dragon was wide awake as they crossed the lawn to the basement. With a roar that vibrated Olin’s sternum, the creature tried to stand.

Enraged, the dragon continued to bellow and struggle against the cage. When that didn’t work, it stabbed its huge snout between the bars and pushed.

Olin and Daphne were close to the house when it roared its anger once again. Olin turned in time to see the beast force its awesome head between the bars. A second cry of rage and frustration was cut off abruptly as the abused steel snapped back into position, pinching the dragon’s neck.

“Quick!”  Daphne opened the basement door. “The sooner we’re out of sight, the sooner it’ll calm down.”

“I don’t know,” Olin said. “I think she’s stuck.”

“She’ll be okay; she’s tough.” Daphne set the egg on the counter and filled a large pot with water. She struggled to put the pot on the stove, then fired the gas burner beneath it.

Olin felt queasy. “You’re going to boil it?”

She nodded. “It makes them easier to shell. Besides, it’s the only way I can stand to eat them.”

“I’m worried about the dragon,” he said. “It’s hung up in the bars.”

“Then go; check on it if you’re so concerned.”

Olin went upstairs first and looked at the creature from his bedroom window. It wasn’t moving.

He went outside and cautiously approached the cage. The animal still didn’t move. He crept as close as he dared and touched it with a stick he’d found on the ground. No movement. He put his palm near the monster’s nose to feel for its breath. There was none.

Steeling his nerve, Olin stepped close enough to pry open one of its eyelids. A film had already begun to form; the flesh had already begun to cool.

He ran back into the basement. Daphne stood beside the stove ready to immerse the huge egg.

“It’s dead,” Olin said, feeling impossibly weary.

“You’re mistaken!”

“I wish I was. It stuck its head between the bars and choked to death.”

“Are you sure it’s not just sleeping?”

“I might not have finished Vet school,” Olin said, “but I know a dead animal when I see it.”

Daphne lowered the egg to the counter. “Then, if this isn’t the one, I’m doomed.”

Olin stepped closer. “Wait! Why couldn’t we hatch it? We’d have another dragon.”

“Maybe,” Daphne said. “If it hatches. If it survives. If it’s female. On the other hand, if it’s the one, it’ll work now.”

“But for how long?”

“I knew it had to end someday.” She reached for the egg.

“But what if it’s not the one? Then you’ve destroyed our last chance.”

Our last chance?”

“Yours, ours, anybody’s!”

“The hell with it.” Daphne swept up the egg and slipped it into the boiling water.

“No!” Olin scrambled toward the pot and thrust both hands in. Gritting his teeth, he forced his hands deeper into the water, but the pain was unbearable. With a sharp curse, he pulled away from the pot and stumbled to the sink. Daphne already had the cold water running.

With tears of pain and frustration rolling down his face, Olin stared at her. “Are you insane?”

Daphne frowned. “Maybe.” She reached into a cabinet and rummaged around briefly before producing a tube of antiseptic cream which she put on the counter. “You’re going to need this.”

Olin nodded, still overcome by the destruction of the egg. He couldn’t shake the feeling of utter wretchedness. He had often felt a sense of loss when reading about species driven to extinction, but this was the first time he’d ever participated in it. The dragon had only wanted to protect its young. He’d not only stopped her, he’d built the contraption that killed her. The realization left him weak. He struggled to find something he could salvage from it. “The body! We should contact a museum or a university–someone should study it, at least.”

“Leave it,” she said. “I’ll dispose of it somehow. I don’t need a bunch of people crawling all over the place. The world isn’t ready for dragons–not even dead ones.”

“You are crazy,” he said. He considered her words as he smeared ointment on his scalded arms, and a new thought came to him–he’d been groping in the wrong place. He fought to keep the excitement from his voice. “But I know what you mean about not wanting strangers on your land; I’m real familiar with that.”

Daphne peered into the boiling water as Olin walked to the door. “I’m going to get some of my gear,” he said.

“Take anything you need.”  She looked up at him. “You know, I’m kind of glad this is nearly over. Even if this isn’t the one, I feel free. My life won’t center around that damn dragon anymore.”

Olin waved and walked back toward the cage. As he approached the huge white carcass, he pulled out his pocketknife and tried to recall everything he knew about the reproductive systems of reptiles.

~*~

Olin faced the Sheriff; it had been six months since the time limit ran out.

“The thing about exotic animals that people tend to forget,” Olin said, “is that most wild animals have very specific habitats. You can remove them for a time, but eventually, they have to be returned.”

“Or destroyed,” the Sheriff said. He looked at the 10-foot high, reinforced, chain link fence Olin had installed. “You had any more problems with wild dogs or other trespassers?”

“Not since I put up the fence,” Olin said. Daphne’s generous fee had covered the cost. Olin never told her about the three eggs he’d removed from the dragon, two of which hatched.

He watched the Sheriff get in his car and drive away. When he was out of sight, Olin walked to the center of his property, where a large, flat earth mound was shielded by close-growing pines.

The little white dragons in the nest looked up at him in anticipation. Olin wondered how old they might be before they could mate, then fed them another bite of the last wild dog that tried to attack the preserve. The dragons were developing quite a taste for canine.

~End~

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Taco Logic (Encore)

Here’s a fable from my short story collection Who Put Scoundrels In Charge? (Available here.) I’d love for this to become required reading for anyone studying economics and/or political science. What do you think?

“Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.” ~Fulton J. Sheen

No one could make a taco like Antonio, though many tried. His shells were so thin and light and crisp that only he could load one without crushing it. His lettuce was always green and fresh, his tomatoes always firm and ripe. Some say that the angels made his cheese and most agreed that if heaven had a taste, one could find it at Antonio’s humble stand.

Every day, long before Noon, Antonio would push his cart to the side of the plaza near the bell tower and prepare his ingredients. The people who worked near the plaza loved the aroma of his corn tortillas as they baked. Hours later, when the other vendors arrived, Antonio gave each of them a cheery greeting.

“Ola,” he said to Enrique, the sausage vendor.

“Buenos dias!” he cried to Olivero, the maker of pies.

“Como esta?” he inquired of big Rosita, who could eat a burrito for every one she sold, and often did.

Enrique only scowled, and Olivero turned away. Rosita would nod, but rarely spoke, for she and the others had made a pact. They knew that good luck accounted for Antonio’s perpetual cheeriness. He must have had many advantages as a child since everything he touched turned out so well. It clearly wasn’t fair, and so they decided to teach him a lesson. They agreed to ignore him as long as he refused to change his attitude. They had each other; it would be enough.

But after several weeks nothing changed–Antonio remained the same. So did the lunch lines, which stretched farther from his cart than any others. He didn’t have all the customers, of course. Some people simply couldn’t take the time to stand in Antonio’s line, and those from out of town didn’t know any better. A few simply didn’t like tacos, even if they did taste like heaven.

Since the pact failed to change anything, the others formed a guild. Enrique and Olivero named it The Brotherhood of Plaza Vendors. Olivero even designed a noble banner with words in somber black and a drawing of a man baking meat pies. Enrique liked the banner because he thought the pies looked like sausages. Rosita argued against the word “Brotherhood,” but finally settled for “Fellowship,” though it didn’t sound exactly right. She agreed to the drawing since the man in it wore an apron and could just as easily have been a woman, albeit a big one. Besides, she thought the pies looked like burritos.

They called to order the first meeting of the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors in Rosita’s home one morning about two weeks before the annual Harvest Festival. Working very hard, the three decided on all the important rules, including the one about membership. Anyone who attended the charter meeting automatically qualified as a charter member; anyone who joined later must pay a fee. That would show Antonio, who was too busy worrying about himself to attend the meeting.

The members of the Fellowship pushed their carts close together on the side of the plaza away from the bell tower. They erected their impressive banner and explained to anyone who would listen how they had organized for the betterment of the entire plaza. Oddly enough, the lines remained longer in front of Antonio’s cart.

“Perhaps he is closer to the fountain,” said Enrique, “and the people do not have to go so far to get a drink.”

“That may be,” said Rosita, “but notice also that his cart is in the shade of the bell tower. The people stay cooler there, and that is why they buy from him.”

Olivero disagreed. “The real reason is much more simple.” He waved his hands in the air. “The breezes always come from the west. They blow right across the plaza to the bell tower. The insects and the bad smells are thus blown away. I’m certain that’s his secret.”

“It just isn’t fair.” Rosita fanned herself. It had never seemed so hot before. “Antonio should not have all that shade to himself.”

Enrique nodded. “Nor should he be so close to the fountain. His customers should be as far from the water as ours are.”

“And may I remind you,” added Olivero, “no one owns the wind.”

“I agree,” said the big woman. “It’s time we did something.”

“Absolutely,” said Enrique rubbing his chin. “But what can we do?”

“We must come to the plaza before he does,” suggested Olivero, “and be the first to open for business by the bell tower.”

“Excellent idea!” said Rosita. “One of you can hold the space for all of us.”

“One of us?” Enrique and Olivero looked at each other. “What about you?”

“My burritos are made with a secret recipe, known only to my family. If I come to the plaza early, someone is sure to steal it.”

“You too have a secret recipe?” exclaimed Olivero. “It is the same with me. If anyone learned my special technique, I would be ruined. Enrique, my friend, for the good of the Fellowship, you must come to the plaza early.”

Enrique clapped his hands to his face. “Alas, I cannot. Indeed, I cannot even tell you why.”

“But we are friends. Surely you can trust me,” said Olivero.

Rosita pursed her lips. “I never knew you were such a man of mystery, Enrique.”

“All right,” he said, “but I’m counting on your confidence. This is something known only to my family these many years.” He looked around to ensure no one else could hear. “You see, my sausages must be made by the light of the moon. I must work nearly all night just to be ready for the next day’s trade. I cannot work all night and get up early, too.”

The Fellowship struggled with their dilemma all afternoon before they found a solution. That very day they called upon the Mayor.

“Senior Mayor,” said Rosita, “you must help us. Antonio has the water, the wind, and the shade all to himself. The people are so uncomfortable they will not trade with us.”

Enrique added, “If we earn no money, we cannot pay taxes. If we cannot pay taxes, you cannot maintain the town. If you cannot maintain the town, the people will throw you out and find a new Mayor.”

Olivero summed it up. “Clearly, Senior Mayor, it is in everyone’s best interest for you to make Antonio move his cart to the other side of the plaza.”

What the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors said sounded logical, and though the Mayor would have liked more time to think it over, he knew that elections would be held right after the Harvest Festival. Choosing between Antonio’s one vote and the Fellowship’s three required no great intellectual effort. “I will talk to him in the morning,” he promised, but he didn’t look forward to it.

The next day, Antonio arrived at the plaza as usual and wheeled his cart over to the bell tower where he found the Mayor waiting for him. “Good morning, Senior Mayor! How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” the Mayor said, “but I’m here on official business.” He explained that a complaint had been lodged against Antonio by a prestigious and highly influential organization. “They insist that you move to the other side of the plaza,” explained the Mayor who then spelled out all the Fellowship’s objections. “I tried to reason with them, but they threatened to call a higher authority.”

“I see,” said Antonio. “Did you point out to them that there is no shade at lunch time since the sun is straight overhead?”

“Indeed I did,” said the Mayor, wondering why the thought had not occurred to him.

“Then of course you must have also mentioned that the plaza is round so all vendors are the same distance from the fountain?”

“Of course! It goes without saying.” Which was true, for the Mayor had never said it.

“Then I know you explained about the wind.”

“Probably,” said the Mayor, “after all, we spoke at some length. Uh, which aspect of the wind did you have in mind?”

“Simply that in order for the wind to reach the bell tower here, it must pass through the plaza over there. I’ve been meaning to say something to you about the smells and the insects from that side.”

The Mayor bobbed his head in agreement. “I wish you had said something to me before. Now, it is too late. Will you move peacefully, Antonio?”

“Certainly,” said the taco vendor. Without another word, he wheeled his cart across the plaza and parked beneath the banner left behind by the Fellowship. He noticed that one of the two poles supporting the banner was stuck in a sizable hill of garbage also left behind by the Fellowship. A dark green frog, as big as his fist, sat behind the pole snaring an occasional fly with its long, sticky tongue.

He sits there like a king, Antonio thought, staring at the mound of rotted pie fillings, discarded sausages, and rancid burritos that served as the frog’s throne. Disgusting. Antonio shook his head and sighed. He almost envied the frog. “How easy your life is,” he said.

The frog eased around the pole where it could see him better and replied, “Easy? How would you like to spend your life sitting on a garbage pile eating flies?”

This so startled Antonio that he nearly forgot to breathe, a blessing considering the awful stench from the garbage. “You spoke!”

The frog rolled its eyes. “Can’t get anything past you.”

“This is a trick!” Antonio spun around quickly to see if someone was throwing his voice like one of the visiting performers at the Harvest Festival, but he stood alone. Scratching his head, he asked, “Are you enchanted? Are you really a prince or a king or something?”

“How did you know?” exclaimed the frog. “I thought my disguise so clever that no one would ever recognize me. What gave me away, the webbed feet? The big eyes? The long tongue? No–I’ve got it! The green skin! That’s it! Of course–all kings and princes have green skin! How stupid of me.” The frog drummed his tiny fingers impatiently.

Antonio felt a flush of embarrassment. “What I meant was, you see…” He paused to gather his wits. “I’ve heard stories about princes and evil magicians. I thought maybe you were someone important who had been turned into a toad.”

“I’m a frog,” said the frog, extending a limb. “See? Smooth skin. Toads are all warty and dry.”

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll capture you and sell you to the circus? Surely there’s a fortune to be made from a talking frog.”

“Worried? Nah. I wouldn’t cooperate. And if I didn’t talk, no one would buy me. Listen, I’ve thought about it. A circus job would be too much work. After all, I’m only a frog. I’m just tired of eating flies.”

“So what do you want from me?”

“Tacos, of course! Everyone knows yours are the best.”

“Frogs don’t eat tacos,” said Antonio.

“They don’t usually talk, either,” said the frog.

“Good point. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t work here. The smell is terrible, and the Mayor says I cannot use the other side of the plaza. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

The frog appeared to give deep consideration to Antonio’s problems. “Hm,” he said at length, “maybe we can help each other.”

“How? Magic?”

“Will you stop with the magic already?” The frog did nothing to hide the exasperation in its voice. “I’ve got a deal for you. It can’t hurt to listen.”

So the frog talked and Antonio listened, and when the frog finished, the two made a bargain. Antonio squared his shoulders in preparation for the tasks ahead. He started by taking his cart home. For the first time since anyone could remember, the taco vendor did not open for business.

Later that day, across the plaza, the other vendors worked feverishly to keep up with demand. Long lines formed in front of all three carts. They reached the end of the day exhausted, but happy. When the Mayor came by to check on them, they heaped their praise upon him.

“You have done the entire village a great service, Senior Mayor,” said Rosita.

Enrique favored him with a weary smile. “We are in your debt.”

“Would you care for a pie?” asked Olivero.

“I think not,” said the Mayor, wrinkling his nose. “I just wanted to see how things were going. It’s only a week until the elec– I mean, until the Festival.”

“We can’t wait,” exclaimed Rosita. “This will be the best Festival in years!”

In the days that followed, Antonio left his cart at home and spent his time cleaning up the garbage, just as the frog suggested. Meanwhile, the members of the Fellowship enjoyed greater profits than they’d ever seen–right until the end of the week when Antonio reopened for business.

Garbage no longer occupied the western side of the plaza. In its place, Antonio had installed a long, wooden table. He even planted flowers. In the space of a single day, all his customers returned, plus a few new ones. Everyone smiled. Including the frog, who sat in the shade of Antonio’s cart, munching on a taco.

The following day, as the aroma of corn tortillas and fragrant spices filtered through the air, the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors met in an emergency session. “The Harvest Festival begins in two days,” lamented Olivero. “There will be twice as many people in town.”

“Then we should have twice as many customers,” said Rosita.

“Not if we have to battle Antonio across the plaza,” said Enrique. “There is something sinister about what he’s doing.”

“Like what?” Clearly intrigued, Olivero and Rosita leaned closer.

“Does anyone really know what kind of spices he puts in his tacos?”

“I think it’s a secret,” said Olivero.

Precisely! And why is it a secret?” Enrique squinted at the others, his voice dropping low. “What is it that makes his recipe so special? For all we know, he could be mixing vile narcotics in with those spices of his. I fear he has already addicted the poor people of this village, and that is why they rush to buy from him.”

“I never thought of that!” said an astonished Rosita. “Of course! You’re right. But what can we do about it?”

“I have an idea or two,” said Enrique. “But first we must hold elections.”

The actual voting was concluded quickly since there were only three voters, but getting to that point proved problematic. Considerable wrangling had to be completed before they settled on which of them would run for the various leadership positions. Once they agreed in principle to exchange titles at the annual elections, the rest became easy.

After the election, and in the spirit of good citizenship, the three newly elected officers of the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors visited the village physician to voice their public health concerns.

“Though we surely represent our membership,” said Chairman Enrique, “our first concern is for our fellow citizens.”

Vice Chairman Olivero wrung his hands. “Have you heard? This Antonio character encourages people to eat their meals on top of a garbage dump!”

“How can that possibly be healthy?” Secretary-Treasurer Rosita wanted to know.

The village doctor agreed the situation sounded serious, or else the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors would not have sent their entire Executive Committee to complain. Using the authority given to him by the Mayor in cases of emergency, he dispatched his assistant to post a public notice that henceforth, no food could be sold in the plaza until the village physician was satisfied with its safety. Pleased with the good doctor’s wise decision, the Fellowship gleefully provided samples of sausage, meat pies, and burritos for inspection. All three vendors received certificates attesting to the purity of their wares.

When Antonio returned to the plaza the next morning, he found one of the notices tacked to his wooden table. As he read it, the physician’s assistant arrived to collect a sample.

“But I’ve only just arrived,” said Antonio. “Perhaps you could return later when my tacos are ready.”

“Impossible,” said the official, “we were told this would be the best time to examine your food. Indeed, we received a warning that you might try to trick us with delays.”

Antonio struggled to hide his chagrin. “I’ll be happy to deliver a taco for inspection. Just tell me where to take it.”

“It must go to the physician, but it must go now. We will be too busy later in the day, and the Festival begins tomorrow. So bring it next week.”

“But by then the Festival will be over.”

“I don’t make the rules. But your clever tricks won’t work on me. It looks like you won’t be selling anything for a while.” He waved as he walked away. “Adios, senior. Have a nice day.”

Antonio felt like weeping. He sat at his wooden table with his head in his hands, wondering how he could make it through the winter without any profit from the Harvest Festival.

Just then, the frog woke up. “Why aren’t you busy? I’m getting hungry.”

Antonio explained his situation to the frog whose advice had seemed so good after the last calamity. “So you see,” he concluded, “there’s nothing I can do.”

“Nonsense,” said the frog. “There’s just nothing you can do here. Now, load your table on the cart, and dig up those flowers. There’s little time, and you have much work to do.”

Once again the workers in the plaza missed out on Antonio’s tacos. Once again they had little choice but to patronize the Fellowship. But on the first morning of the Festival, the workers were greeted with cheerful music even though the celebration would not officially begin until after the siesta. Two musicians went round and round the plaza playing their guitars and singing. After every few songs, they made an announcement: “Antonio, vendor of tacos, invites you to join him for a Festival lunch! Free food! Just a short walk outside of town near the crossroads. Beverages available for a small fee.”

By the time the other vendors arrived, the word had already spread. Not only was Antonio back, but he was giving his food away! Since the Fellowship had no customers at all during lunch, they held yet another meeting.

“He has truly gone too far this time,” said Olivero.

“How can we compete when he gives his food away?” demanded Enrique.

Rosita was puzzled. “How can he afford to give his food away? Surely he must pay for his ingredients, just as we do.”

“Not if they’re stolen,” said Olivero.

“Or worse,” suggested Enrique.

“Worse?”

“Perhaps. What kind of man would violate tradition and begin the Festival with music before the good padres have blessed the harvest? What greater sins would he commit?”

“Antonio? In league with the devil?” Rosita was shocked.

Olivero slapped his leg. “Of course! Why didn’t we see it before? We must inform the church. It’s our sacred duty.”

“And we must do it now,” said Enrique. “There’s no time to waste.”

By the time the priest and the other vendors arrived, the luncheon party was over, and all the celebrants were gone. Antonio, who had worked all night, rested in the shade of a tree and appeared to be talking to himself. The ecclesiastical crew kept their distance, in order to observe the obviously deranged taco vendor who kept looking down at the roots of the tree as he spoke.

Rosita crossed herself. “Do you see, Padre? He has found El Diablo’s door!” Enrique and Olivero shuddered.

The priest looked around at the setting Antonio had created. Nestled among the trees just beyond the village limits, the taco vendor had erected a second table to go with the first. Gaily colored paper streamers hung from the trees and pockets of flowers brightened the grounds. A huge container of lemonade sat in the shade beside the taco cart, which was still fragrant from lunch.

“It doesn’t look so bad,” said the priest, for indeed the little clearing was most appealing.

“Do you see a cross?” asked Enrique. “Or any sign of the holy nature of the Festival?”

“No,” admitted the priest, not entirely sure the Festival was intended as a holy occasion. “We must not be hasty. I would speak with Antonio before I decide if he has done anything wrong.”

The four advanced on the recumbent restaurateur who was too weary to rise.

“Who are you talking to?” asked the priest.

“My friend, the frog,” said Antonio, waving a hand toward the amphibian.

Olivero kept the priest between himself and the taco vendor. “And does the frog respond?”

“Of course.” Antonio yawned. “This whole thing was his idea.” His voice trailed off briefly before flaring into life for a few more syllables. “I’m indebted to him.”

In a whisper, Enrique addressed the priest. “Padre, must I remind you that frogs are kin to serpents? And did you not teach us yourself that the devil is often disguised as such?”

The priest nodded, and the three vendors stared hard at him as Antonio drifted off to sleep. “He is doomed,” said Rosita.

“There’s no hope for him,” said Olivero.

The frog, guessing how the conversation would turn out, sneaked away before the zealots came after him. His disappearance provided the final proof Enrique needed. “You see? Even the devil has deserted him!”

The taco vendor slept as the four walked away, shaking their heads. They returned to the village and spread word of Antonio’s fate. After that, no one dared go near him, not even the musicians he had hired the day before.

“I’m ruined,” said Antonio to the frog.

“Only if you stay here.”

“Where else can I go?”

“Anywhere!” said the frog. “You make the finest tacos in the world. You will be welcome anywhere you go. If I were you, I would have gone to the city long ago.”

So Antonio moved to the city. Soon the people there began to say if one wanted a taste of heaven, Antonio could supply it. His fame and his business grew. He married into a respected family and fathered enough children to run an entire chain of taco stands.

In the village he left behind, the members of the Fellowship rejoiced throughout the Festival. Without the competition from Antonio, they sold everything they could make. But it wasn’t long before sales faltered once again, and they called a meeting to discuss the crisis.

Rosita pulled Olivero aside. “Everyone knows the aroma of my burritos is very subtle, but my customers can’t smell it because of Enrique’s pies. We should consider asking him to move to the other side of the plaza.”

Olivero turned to Enrique. “People need us, and they need the good, healthy meat we sell. But they think they must also buy Rosita’s burritos. It’s obvious they stay away because of the expense. The people will be happier if Rosita moves across the plaza.”

Enrique found a moment to converse with Rosita. “A balanced meal means meat and vegetables. With your burritos and my sausages, people really don’t need Olivero’s pies. He should move his cart as a public service.”

They concluded the meeting by disbanding the Fellowship of Plaza Vendors and replacing it with three new organizations, each one-third the size of the original: the Congress of Meat Pie Makers, the Brotherhood of Sausage Stuffers, and the League of Burrito Bakers. They often held their meetings in the middle of the day since customers remained scarce.

The frog, meanwhile, made a killing selling brown paper lunch bags to the people who no longer purchased their lunches in the plaza and opted instead to bring food from home. In the end, the frog and the labor leaders were the only ones who didn’t miss the humble taco vendor.

~End~

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